I’m learning that the more we grow, the more we tend to have to face some of the stuff our emotions dredge up.
You know, like pain we’ve tried to stuff or maybe have forgotten about.
Because the fact of the matter is that in order to move forward, to get to where we want to go in life, we have to know where we’re coming from.
In other words: we need to deal with part of our story that carries weight or pain so that it doesn’t negatively influence the trajectory of our future.
In my case, I’m finding myself dealing with the emotions that deal with hope.
For me, hope did not pan out very well.
I admit that I was a contributor to the downfall of our marriage as it got worse. But, in the beginning…. I was hopeful. Excited. Full of adventure, and eager to do life together.
Then, to hope for healing of my little boy; to pray fervently for his life, only to bury him… Again with the dashed hopes.
The crushed hopes.
The hardened heart because it is terrified of feeling that kind of pain ever again.
I have dealt with much of this over the last ten years, but it’s interesting that as I look into Jesus’ face as the Three of them are wooing me into trusting Them for something good around the corner — I am at a crossroads.
My knee-jerk reaction is to hyperventilate and cry. Because that’s apparently what I do when I’m scared or over-emotional.
My past experiences have taught me that it hurts to hope. It hurts to want to be loved for all of who you are, but be pushed away.
It hurts to pray for something and not have it answered positively.
Hope can hurt.
The Three are asking me if I will trust them with the rest of my story.
They tell me that God never changes. That He is the master of the Insteads. He gives joy Instead of mourning. Beauty Instead of ashes.
He is Healer. He binds our wounds. Restores our souls. He brings us back to Himself for comfort.
To taste His goodness.
To experience His faithfulness.
To live inside of His great love, be completely consumed by it, and as it overflows shows us where to pour it out for others.
So, as these broken parts of my heart keep coming to light, I offer them to Him because I want what He’s offering.
I want to experience the fullness He says He brings. I want the Fear erased, dispelled, overtaken, and forgotten. I don’t want to go into a cold sweat every time I think of opening myself up again.
I want to be full of anticipation and excitement as I face today, then tomorrow and all the nexts because I know He’s got me. He’s taken my hurts and breathed new life into my heart.
That’s what I want.
That’s where broken hearts go.
To the One who loves us most.