When the Torture of Waiting Becomes a Different Flavor

Waiting. Praying.
Sometimes the frustrations of unrealized dreams or unanswered prayers can feel like we’re in quicksand. The more we struggle, push, pull, and freak out, the more we sink.
Lately I’ve discovered that my quicksand has been more of an illusion.
Let me unpack that:
Over the past few years, as I have learned to present my wounds and scars to God, He has taught me that He is good. In very basic ways He has shown up and cared for me, teaching me that I can trust Him to provide and to heal.
So I have graduated from survival mode to knowing that I am provided for. That no matter what I am facing, He is there with me.
This new season I’m in, however, apparently has more to do with the matters of the heart.
Dreams. Plans. Hopes.
And I have to admit that I’m surprised at how similar my feelings are now compared to the last season.
Scared. Unsure. Doubting.
Same dirt. Different pile.
I feel like He’s chuckling a little while I try to navigate my way around it all. Like He’s saying: “honey if we’re going to move forward with these plans I’ve got for you, we need to round out some of these sharp corners you’ve constructed.”
Ohh kayy.

I’ll be honest.
It’s the waiting that’s the hardest for me this time around. I’ve come to the place where I finally do believe that He’s going to do what I believe I’ve heard Him say He’s got planned.
But it’s the waiting for it that was killing me.

Learning to enjoy the process. Ugh.
Living for today, in this moment, with Joy, despite the fact that I haven’t seen anything come to fruition.
Every day He takes my face in His hands and reminds me to soak in Him. To watch Him. Learn from Him. Bask in Him.
It seems so utterly futile to my “lets-get-er-done” little mind, but in His reality, it’s what’s important.
He is developing my intentionality so that it keeps pace with His. He is stirring up deep desires, passions, and longings so that I have no choice but to take them to Him, begging for them to either come to fruition, or be canceled out.
He is cultivating my prayer life as well as strengthening my faith in Him.

None of it can be seen. Only felt.
And the sour taste in my mouth that had accumulated out of fear has now been transformed into something much sweeter.
He is faithful.
And willing.
Because these are His plans and He wants me to partner with Him in bringing them about.
It’s about my perspective.
Am I only seeing the giants in the land?

Or can I see the houses I didn’t build, the wells I didn’t dig, and the vineyards I didn’t plant that He has set aside for me and for His purposes?
If He says it, it’s a done deal. His word is solid.
So I’m learning to wait with anticipation, with a peace I didn’t know was possible (I can be SO impatient!), and an excitement despite the lack of evidence.
Either I’m completely delusional, or I’m learning what waiting on the Lord is really like.
You know, it’s not as nasty as I thought. It’s a different flavor.
A good one.
Love love

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