Unfiltered Life

Here’s my raw, unfiltered version of my life today, August 19, 2017:

Lately I’ve been feeling like I just don’t have anything left to give. 

As soon as I let those words take shape, I get an influx of messages through my brain, letting me know how ridiculous I sound.

“You’re the happiest you’ve been in two decades woman. Get it together!”

I won’t recite the rest of them because they’re not very nice, but you get the idea. I don’t cut myself a lot of slack.

Really now, if I’m so happy why do I feel so depleted? What right do I have to feel this way? My life has done a total 180 degree swing in the last year, and a huge portion of all the things I have been praying for have come to pass.

So why am I so bitchy with my 17 year old who is actively seeking her independence?

Why am I so anxious about Hannah’s future?

Why do I get so overwhelmed by all the things I seemingly have on my plate?

***

If I was to take a step away from myself and pretend I was listening to another woman talk about this stuff, this is how I’d probably respond to her:

“Honey, who says you have to have your shit together all the time?”

For the first time in my adult life I have a real partner. Someone who adores me, helps me, cheers me on, lovingly calls me on my crap, holds me, lifts me up, and lets me love him back. He just really, really loves me well.

But its new to me.

And I think that because I have been working by myself for so long, and have been so weary yet haven’t had the luxury of relaxing, that now that I have someone shouldering the load with me I’m realizing how exhausted I actually am.

And then my spiritual side gets her panties in knot, telling me how God has carried me through so much junk that I have no business putting words to that kind of negativity…

oh eff off.

I’m tired.

***

I can’t help but wonder if there are other women out there, like me, who have so many voices inside, launching torpedoes of shame and guilt at themselves.

Taunting themselves with hot needles of doubt. Whispering about their worth. Are you good enough? Do you deserve it? Are. you. good.enough??

***

I’m learning about self care.

I’m learning about the power of my words. About calling things in, creating with the Creator, and using my authority well.

I’m learning about the raw vulnerability of relationships.

Of how trying to control a teenager is like pouring acid on their self worth. I confess I have a lot to learn in this particular area, help me Jesus. I’m a scared mama.

***

My name is Sheavaun. I’m 47 years old.

… and I’m one strong, tired, happy, sometimes overwhelmed, sassy, recovering from religion, learning-not-to-give-a-rip-about-what-you-think, spiritually awake and alive, Beloved Daughter of the Most High, bad ass white girl. Even if my arms are flabbier than I’d like them to be.

I’m finally living an unfiltered life.

love love

Shev

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