II wonder how many other people feel misplaced or like they don’t belong? It’s something that I have wrestled with most of my life, feeling like a third wheel, a tag-a-long; the misfit.
Present, but not really seen.
Funny, but I just don’t seem to fit into anyone’s mold. I don’t have a polished, normal, well-oiled and running life like most women appear to have at my age. I don’t think I ever have. Too many hurts. Disappointments. Misses. Failures. And questions.
- I laugh loudly
- Get intense and talk loudly when I’m excited (my kids say I’m yelling. Am not.)
- Hate shopping yet understand the need to wear clothing in public (whaddaya mean I can’t wear my cutoffs to the restaurant?)
- Have a bent sense of humor
- Have a tendency to swear
- Walk funny (Ruby says its sassy. Unfair.)
- Refused to go to university because I didn’t think I was smart enough, consequently have worked numerous jobs to scrape by over the years (i.e.: waitress, bank teller, traveling singer, preschool teacher, cleaning lady, paperboy/girl/mama, residential painter, private duty home care…)
- Married young, thrilled to be a wife and mother, yet spent my thirties alternately devastated and angry.
I was one of the fortunate ones (still am, even after divorce) to have been completely loved and accepted by my in-laws. So there’s that. And for the first time as an adult I began to feel part of my church community in the small town we lived in, and felt roots begin to go down deep as I became an active part of that family as well.
There was still this thing though… I was just one little, insignificant part of a whole. Dispensable.
In 2005 I began to see a counselor for the first time after my marriage completely fell apart, and somehow this sweet older man got me to admit something that was always lurking beneath the surface, yet I had never put words to: I didn’t want to be just One of Many anymore.
And I immediately felt guilty.
How dare I? Who did I think I was? What kind of glory-seeker was I?
I was no one special, so had no business whatsoever of looking for anything from anyone, particularly God. He already went to great lengths to get me into His good graces, so there’s no way I could or should be wishing for anything more.
And this dear, gentle soul chuckled softly and said “Sheavaun, I don’t think you realize how much God gets a kick out of you.”
Years of religious teaching had firmly entrenched within me that because I am not to think of myself more highly than I ought, I was therefore ‘nobody’. Humility to the max, baby.
And so began the unraveling.
Whispers of His delight began to brush against my soul as He took me through the Bible, and brought other books and teaching to my attention.
Trickles of love for me began to slowly fill the cracks of shame and embarrassment I have felt because I thought I wasn’t enough.
He washed me with His approval. His smile covered me because He made me.
He revealed how He has been with me since before He even created me, despite my poor choices, bad decisions, hateful acts, and venomous words.
I am His.
And He is mine.
I am still one of many, but it has a different ring to it now. I am a beloved child within a loving family.
And I matter. Simply because He thinks so.
I want everyone to know this. To be singled out, known, and loved.
There’s nothing like it.
I hope you look for it. For Him. Because when you seek, you find.
Of course, I still have my moments where I still feel like the odd man out. I work too much to allow me to get involved in things that would enable me to become a part of a community, so instead I watch with pangs of loneliness that I trust will eventually be assuaged. I trust the One who loves me most.