Here’s a little dirt about me: sometimes I don’t feel like anyone really knows and appreciates me for who I really am. Sounds pathetic, I know, but it’s the truth. I look at people around me and imagine what it must be like to have a significant other who thinks they’re pretty amazing, who puts up with their stuff, and gets a kick out of their little quirks. Of course, when I take a step back, give my head a shake and think about all the loved ones I am surrounded with, I know better. I have beautiful children, family and friends, yet there is still this ache to be known that rises up when I least expect it. Marital bliss hasn’t exactly panned out for me.
The ache used to sneak up on me and cause me to wallow in it’s mucky, sticky hole of despair until I had no idea how to pull myself out. Through wise counsel I realized that I needed to grieve the things I felt I had lost in this life: dreams, loved ones, opportunities… in order to go forward. I discovered that when I admitted my hurt, acknowledged my pain and loss, and allowed myself to feel those things, I was then able to process and begin to think about healing. Rather than feeling guilty for feeling these negative emotions, I embraced them for a time without beating myself up. By giving myself permission to do so, I was free to move forward.
I don’t have to live like that anymore. Now, when this sadness threatens my boundaries, I recognize it for what it is: old baggage; and don’t let it in. Rather, I fill the space that feels empty with reminders of the One who loves me. Who sings and dances over me, who knows every hair on my head, every step I take, every word out of my mouth. Who smiles at me and calls me His Beloved. These are my secret treasures.
So, I’m not so empty and sad anymore.