This morning I came face to face with how deep my sense of unworthiness has been. It shook me up a little, to be honest.
I mean, I have been undergoing significant transformation over the past 11 years, changing my mental, emotional and spiritual framework for the better. Learning what it means to be a daughter of the King; bought, sought after, loved, and enjoyed by the Three. I have experienced the presence, the power, the comfort, peace, kindness and love of our good, good Father.
So, to be so overcome with a sense of shame and unworthiness this morning has left me a little weak. Apparently its one thing to walk out His presence and power in my life in the typical everyday things, but yet another to take my place at His table personally. My head knows that He says I belong there with Him, but my heart had not been convinced.
I felt a strong connection with Jonathon’s son, Mephibosheth, when I read about him in 2 Samuel 9 this morning. David called him by name, and wanted to honor Jonathon by restoring all Saul’s property to Mephibosheth as well as have them eat all their meals together. But Mephibosheth couldn’t comprehend it.
He didn’t know who he was. He didn’t understand that he was the grandson of King Saul.
He had lived his entire life surrounded by poverty and wilderness, and equated that to his worth.
I bawled like a baby as I read that.
I understand what that feels like.
I know that God calls me His. That because of Jesus I am grafted in to His family. That because of His blood, I am gifted with His righteousness. That I could never have earned it on my own, but because God loves me and values me, He gifted me with Himself through Jesus. I know this. In my head.
Yet, because I have lived for the majority of my adult life with multiple seasons of pain, disappointment, anger, and loneliness, I have somehow managed to become conditioned to living with shame.
I realize now that I feel unworthy of elevation, acceptance, and complete love for me because I lived in a desert for so long. I have believed that I am not enough. Am not good enough. Worth enough. I guess death and divorce will do that to a girl.
That makes me sad. And I know enough to understand that it makes God sad too.
So I laid it before Him this morning. I thanked Him for seeing my value even when I have not. For using my seasons of pain for His glory, to point the way to His goodness for others that are in the pit of despair, pain and rejection. Because I know that HE is good. I just haven’t believed that I am good enough.
Today I am making a deeper shift in my thinking. I will endeavor to embrace my value to my King. He sees me as perfect, as priceless, because of Jesus. I live because of Him. In Him. Him in me. And HE thinks I’m all that.
So I will stop second guessing, doubting, and rejecting the truth of my worth.
I don’t have to strive for it. I don’t have to earn it. I just have to live in it.
I will sit at my place at His table, and revel in the pure joy of it.
I hope you take your spot too. We can sit together if you want.