Ms. Crabbypantscontrolfreak

My name is Sheavaun and I’m a recovering codependent. Or rather, a recovering Ms. Crabbypantscontrolfreak.

I’m discovering all sorts of new things as I look through this new lens.

Take for instance that it is not uncommon for a codependent to become addicted to something as well as be attached to someone else who has an addictive personality. Drumroll please.

cakeYes, that is right. I am a food addict. For close to 10 years I have been fighting my weight thinking that the solution or cure for my then 20, now close to 40 pounds of extra weight I lug around is just around the corner. When in fact the thing-behind-the-thing in my case is that I have made food into my comfort. And allowed it to control me. I had an inkling of this truth, but the clarity in which I now view this astounding revelation is sharp and cuts to the quick.

The 12 steps I received from my counselor and which are taught in my al-anon group are now not only vital for my ability to survive and thrive in my relationship(s), but also in my very personal life as a now confessed food-addict.

(1) I admit I am powerless over my husband, as well as food. My life has become unmanageable.

(2) I wholeheartedly believe that God is so much more powerful than I and has restored me to sanity and wholeness.

(3) In bed last night as the picture of my condition sharpened in clarity I made a decision to turn my will and life in this regard over to God. I had done this for many other instances after giving Him my trust and heart as a young girl, but this is new information for me, and I give it over willingly. I can’t do this on my own. I have allowed something else to master me and ruin so much of my joy and sap my strength for too long. I don’t want that any more.

I’m not sure what it is about this particular revelation that makes such a difference in how I function right now. In the past I have been able to manage a handful of diets that resulted in a wee bit of weight loss that got packed back on sooner than later because I went straight back to eating too much. I was aware of this.

I was aware that I shouldn’t give in to food, yet continued to do so.

I was aware that it meant more to me than it should.

burgerI was aware that skinny girls didn’t eat as much as I do. They weren’t chained. Weren’t obsessed with it.

They could say no.

I couldn’t.

So what’s so different now?

Is it the mere power of words?

No.

There’s more to it, and I realize that it is in this one more thing that I must relinquish my stranglehold on what I think I can control, or… what I can’t.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I am more than a conqueror through Him.

I am new.

I recognize that I am powerless over food, but I believe that God is greater and can restore me.

I turn my will over to Him, ready and willing for Him to remove this from me.

I’m ready to be free!

Bring it on.

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