I find myself standing in my kitchen by myself, Hannah in the other room listening to her favorite radio station, Mando and Ruby at youth group, and I am hit with the glaring realization that everything is going to change in a heartbeat whether I’m ready or not. I choke up a little, fending off tears. I knew it was coming; it’s the natural progression of choices made, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
In a matter of weeks, my first born will be moving away to another city. Between now and then, my soon-to-be-ex-husband will be moving to another city as well. My youngest starts high school shortly thereafter. I will switch from nightshifts to day shifts in a job I am desperately hoping I will not have to continue in for many more years. I feel the pressure of the changes heavy in my chest.
And then, somehow, my mind starts to rehash all the things that have led up until this point, and I am taken aback at the magnitude of it all in such a short amount of time. In and of themselves, they are circumstances that many people face on a regular basis, but why so many in my own life? And why all at once? Why me?
I feel lonely, yet I am not alone. I am scared, but I know where to put my trust. I can not see tomorrow, but I know what to do today: I pray. I cry out. I praise. I remember what I have to be thankful for, and count them as blessings. I surrender my hopes, my dreams, my hurts, my heart to the One who knows and who cares deeply. Who has encouraged me, fought with me, sustained me, loved me, carried and lifted me up until now, and who will continue to do so.