But times like this tend to transport me to days in the not so distant past where I was existing on the dregs of yesterday’s coffee and whatever sugary treat I had baked for “the kids”. Juggling three children along with the denial of my pent up anger, my feelings of never-quite-doing-it-all-good-enough, and my fear of the unknown was wreaking havoc on me. I was exhausted.
Rolling out of bed in the morning was an act of sheer will.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to complain. To rock the boat. My marriage was not ideal, but I said vows, and I didn’t believe in quitting, so tough luck. My middle daughter had special needs that I was continually struggling to understand, but I had suffered the loss of her older brother, so I would suck this up too.
The result was a slow death of who I was because I could not reconcile the pain I endured, building walls around it to try protect myself from further damage.
Desperately afraid of the next wallop that I could not predict or control.
Maybe it would be an accident involving either my oldest or youngest daughter.
Maybe a freak natural disaster, like a tornado, would flatten our house and we’d be left homeless.
Maybe there’d be a fire and I would survive, but barely.
Or an intruder, or a stalker, or a drunk driver, or a wild cat prowling too close to our home, or, or, or…
Fear is debilitating. It sucks the very life out of you, leaving no room for anything else. And it got free reign in my little world because I couldn’t trust that God was good. To me. You know, beyond sending Jesus to die and give me a ticket to eternity if I wanted it.
As a result, anger was the go-to emotion for years, fueled by my fear of … everything.
What a way to live.
I was completely at a loss as to how to stop the continual anger until I was able to reconcile that fear was at the root of it all. Fear was the reason I was dying a slow, uncomfortable death.
So what now?
Well, interestingly enough, it’s right around this particular time of enlightenment when God began to woo me. Began to teach me that He is good, and that He can bring good out of my pain. I would have preferred no pain at all, but since we were past that point I found myself drawn to know more. And as I drew closer to Him, He came closer to me, just like He promises. He taught me to trust Him in various ways, and spoke to my heart so softly, so firmly, that I slowly learned to live again. To breathe again.
Rediscovering who Sheavaun is has been a bit of an adventure, but I am grateful that I did not remain in a charred heap, never to experience the full life I was promised.
I am not a particularly “special” project for God. It’s not just for me, this change from a slow death to new life. It’s for you too. All it takes is a first step, and the willingness to hear Him, to rant and rave in His presence, and allow Him to persuade your heart to trust Him.
I hope you do.
So on days like today where I feel frustrated with my circumstances, and feel tired of waiting for things to turn around, I know I can lay it all out with this God who loves me and has made an unnecessary effort to convince me that He is trustworthy. And I can rest.
Living life is good.