To be honest, I feel as though couples sporting the scarlet letter D are the black sheep of the Christian flock. There is something nerve-wracking about walking in to church knowing that there are people who are looking at you differently now that the cat is out of the bag regarding your failed marriage.
There is speculation as to whether or not you tried hard enough to save it. There is judgement about your decision to vacate it. There is pity. There is awkward silence. I know, I feel it acutely, – but I also used to be on the other end of the stick: looking, judging, mentally fixing the obvious. Never in a million years would I have dreamt that I would be on the receiving end.
It’s taken quite a bit of counseling, praying, soul searching, and guts to get to the place I’m in right now. To be able to say, “I don’t want to remain in a marriage where there is no trust; where I have stayed, I have tried, I have hoped, to no avail, and I don’t want to anymore.” There is guilt involved. There is this feeling like I need to explain myself to the church-world. To the people who know nothing of my life, but believe that I am sinning anyway. I won’t explain myself because that would mean throwing my kids’ dad under the bus, and I have no desire to do that. I’m not lily-white in this thing, either, not at all. I have contributed to the communication problems, and am painfully aware of my shortcomings. My failure as a wife.
So, let me just say that I have given up all control. I continuously turn my face to God’s and deposit my life in His lap. If He wishes to make some miracles happen in my neck of the woods, I am willing to go and do and follow and obey. He says I can come to Him with my requests, and so I do. I also come to Him humbly, often ashamed of my inadequacies, very grateful for the gifts He showers me with, for His grace that completely consumes me, washing me clean even though I don’t deserve it.
The unknown freaks me out, but after years of wooing, showing up when I thought all was lost, proving His love for me in ways I never dreamed of, I am getting better at trusting the One who loves me most. To be honest, the hope of heaven trumps everything, but He has made it clear that life here and now is worth living too, no matter what I face. I have been so lonely, and He comforts me, filling up the empty space inside. I have felt abandoned and forgotten and He has assured me I am priceless. I have felt discarded and unwanted, and He has filled me completely, causing me to feel loved and treasured.
So the unknown is just that: unknown. But faith, hope and love, grace, mercy and devotion override the uncertainties. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I am not a black sheep. I am a daughter of the King, and I will follow where He leads. I may grumble a little, but He knows I’m feisty (and He’s ok with that).