I just sat down with a large mug of hot chocolate, spiked with a wee bit of Kahlua and topped with whipped cream. My dinner, after getting the kids all set up with something nutritious, consisted of the dregs of the nacho chip bag being hoovered into my mouth as I run them through a bowl of salsa. I stood at the counter for that. Now I’m sitting on top of my bed with my laptop on my lap, getting ready to be real with whoever happens to read this.
And here it is: I hate feeling weak.
Why is it that women are considered to be weaker in many ways, not just physically? Because, let’s be real here. We. Get. Stuff. Done.
We are smart. Imaginative. Compassionate. Resourceful. Hard working. We have many sides. Varied gifts, talents, and strengths.
And here I am, angry because I am feeling weak as we get closer to the Christmas holidays; pissed that I am lonely. Still. Even though my divorce has only been official since April, I have been doing life alone for ten years. And I’m mad that it bothers me that I don’t have someone to do life with. There are oodles of women that are single and happy, why aren’t I?
I am angry that I cried as I left my church parking lot late this afternoon after receiving an anonymous cash gift and a box of food for my family. Frustrated by the war of gratitude and pride hashing it out inside of me. God is good, but I hate feeling like I’m a charity case. Even if I am, a little.
I am angry that I’m angry. That even though I know I am a bad-ass when it comes to taking care of all that is important, that I can’t seem to tamp down these emotions that have been swelling, threatening to draw me under. I hate it.
I am strong. I work hard. God provides for me daily, and I am grateful beyond words. He is faithful and teaches me new things all the time. He has brought me back to life in so many ways… I don’t NEED anyone else to take care of me. So why the heck do I find myself wishing for someone? I feel vulnerable admitting this, and it makes me angry.
I am aware that this is part of my transition into a new life. As a single, successful, working woman. That I am in the midst of learning something new, and growing as a beloved child of the King. But I am having trouble processing my loneliness even though I know that God is able to fill all the deep places that hurt and gape open.
I have no nice bow to wrap this rant up with. Only that my hope is in Someone who knows me better than I know myself, and that I have placed myself in His hands. Because He has proven to me that He is good, no matter the circumstances.
I just wish I could get my emotions in line…
I’ll work on that tomorrow. Right now I need some chocolate.