I think what I wanted most was to feel safe.
Not necessarily immune from bad things, because I already knew that those things happen whether I wanted them to or not, but a loved and cared for kind of partnership that made me feel like I was not alone. Like my fears were heard, not just yelled at; and we could work through them together.
I didn’t need to be coddled or sheltered. Just to feel like I was valued enough to work alongside.
The easy thing for me to do, in hindsight, would be to place the blame for how I felt at the feet of my ex, but I don’t know how much good that will do me in the long run of healing and breaking free. I am on a quest to rediscover myself, and part of the work is to recognize the lies I have believed and replace them with truth. He wasn’t the author of the lies, he just helped cement them. I was tired of playing the blame game.
Yes, I should allow myself to be angry about some things because I believe that that is part of the discovery process. The battle involves moving forward, though, not staying stuck in bitterness and resentment.
So, I listen to the words of the One who loves me and allow His truth to seep in and take hold. All the gaping voids that have groaned with emptiness begin to fill with new life as Wisdom cuts foolishness off at the knees.
The chains that have kept me imprisoned with doubt-tinged longing are snapped into pieces as I remember who I am, and catch a glimpse of who He wants me to become.
I speak out loud what I recognize as falsehoods, bringing them into the Light, and counter them with His faithfulness, His unchanging character, His depth of love for me as His child. He is a good Father, the perfect One we all crave.
We are seen.
We are wanted.
We are supported, and championed.
The lies fall off like tumors burned at the root, and the freedom is intoxicating.